We Are Who We Are
by Pancharliida
Summary: Rat-bastard, money-stealing, child-killing, life-ruining son of a bitch. (I own no characters, all belong to the creators, etc.)


She was seventeen years old. Seventeen, and terrified. Seventeen, and pregnant. She and Jesse were pretty good with using protection, but this one time... And now she had a baby in her belly. It had taken a while to figure it out. She was never really regular anyway, but after two skipped periods the answer was obvious even before she'd taken the pregnancy test to confirm it. Sinking her fingers into her curls, Tulip lowered her head, biting her lip in an attempt to hold back tears.  
Her family wouldn't care, no, she didn't even have a mama anymore and uncle Walter spent most of his time passed out; only when social services came to check on her (not very often) did he maintain a semblance of sobriety. But what would Jesse say? Surely he wouldn't be happy. But there was no way in hell she was getting rid of the baby already growing inside of her. No way.

Eight months in and she goes into labour in the middle of a shopping centre. Jesse is watching her with disdain as she argues with the cashier, and all of a sudden water is gushing out between her legs. Both Jesse and the cashier start to panic while Tulip just stands there in shock. It's a woman in her mid-thirties who comes to her rescue, rolling her eyes at Jesse and ushering her into the nearest bathroom to clean her up. She's a mother of three and calm and collected while Tulip holds her panic behind her eyes. Maybe she can't do this after all. It'll be hours before anything will actually happen, apparently. The woman is reassuring until Tulip mentions the baby isn't due for another month. It's a forty-five minute drive to the hospital and the woman nearly leaves Jesse behind, he's freaking out in the same store as a mortified employee mops the floor. She's seventeen and terrified, but she hides it behind a stony face and swear words that make the nurse become reduced to tears. It's three hours before the pains low in her stomach begin to get closer together, and as the sun sets she's curled up on the hospital bed and cursing Jesse all the way to hell to meet his daddy. She's scared off half the nurses and left a gouge on the back of his palm. The pain is horrible, aching, and she just wants it to be over. To hold her baby girl or boy in her arms and never do this again.  
And finally, it happens. She's mid wail and pushing when a scream fills the air, and she lets her whole body sink back onto the bed and closes her eyes until Jesse urges her to look.  
Because swathed in a white blanket and screaming is a baby, writhing and covered in gunk and blood, beautiful. Her baby girl.

She names her daughter Addison. O'Hare, not Custer, because even though he's his, she'll always be more hers. Addison O'Hare, with tan skin that is a median of hers and Jesse's, big brown eyes and a mass of dark curls atop her head. She's tiny, with little fingers and little toes, and Tulip spends hours upon hours staring down at her, as she cries, sleeps, feeds. She could watch her forever. It's a few days before she's released, and Jesse bans her from returning to her Uncle Jesse's instead getting her to come and stay with him. She's eighteen three weeks after her baby's born, so she's technically an adult. Almost. It's brilliant. She's a fussy baby sure, but Tulip was fussy too. Expecting so much of the world. Jesse works part-time at a store but picks up more hours now that he's feeding for three instead feeding just one. Days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and she is beautiful and bright, going from babbling to talking and from crawling to take uncertain first steps, and Tulip has never been one for a life of normality but before she knows it she's 21 years old, and the tiny baby that she held in her arms is currently dancing around the living room. But life is difficult, and Jesse loses his job, and Tulip never got another one in the first place. That's how it starts. You'd think she'd be the corrupt one, the one to lead him into darkness, but it's the opposite. It starts small. Dealing small time for a drug lord a town over, and then she finds herself dragged into it with the promises of a better life for her child, who wears Tulip's own hand-me-downs and is lucky to have a toothbrush. She doesn't understand. Addison, with her childlike-innocence doesn't know why her mama comes home with blood under her nails and bruises on her cheeks, and curls up her side at the end of the night and tries to heal her with kisses. "Mama?"it's a sleepy question, eyelids half shut and tiny hands warm on Tulip's arm. "Yes, sweetheart?" "Why do you come home with bruises?" she's three and a half, too young to be asking questions like this. "It's a difficult job. They don't hurt."  
"I don't like it when you come home hurt." "I know, I know. But if mama and daddy didn't work, we couldn't live in this house anymore."  
"I wouldn't mind as long as I get you and daddy."  
"I know sweetie. But you deserve more than a mama and a daddy. You deserve a home. And I'd go through hell to give it to you."

It ends with a gunshot. Carlos had gone and fucked them over, left them in the dust of skidding tyres with nothing but a dead man before them. They'd hunted him down easy, but they hadn't been thinking straight. There was no time for a sitter, no time to make a plan, and that was why they'd set off down the road with Addison in the back seat. Stupid, from start to finish. The girl had been asleep as they pulled into the driveway, guns at the ready, only to find a gang of strongly muscled men stood before them. "Sorry, guys," Carlos is there, grin in place, like the cat who got the cream. "There's no place for you here."  
"Give us back our money, you rat bastard-"  
"Ah, ah, ah..." before Tulip knows it, Carlos is in front of her- that sneaky bastard always way fast- and the barrel of a gun was rested against her forehead. This close up she could see the beads of sweat on his forehead.  
Nice to know he was nervous, despite the demeanour that he was putting on. "Now, you can leave of your own free will, or you can leave in a body bag. It's your choice, darling," Jesse flinches at the word 'darling', fists clenching tightly as Carlos gives her the kind of grin that makes her sick to her stomach. It happens quickly. Carlos is jumpier than she thinks, and at the sound of a car door slamming shut the gun jerks away from her skin and there is a bang so close to her ear that she clamps her hands over her ears. It's the look on Carlos's face that tells her something's wrong. He looks torn, horrified, and she turns slowly to see a similar look on Jesse's face. Her gaze tears past him, and she can't hold back a scream at what she sees. Addison. "No, no, baby, no," her baby girl is lying against the side of the car with eyes wide open, blood staining her pale blue shirt and tears on her cheeks.  
"Mama?" she chokes as Tulip lands at her side, on her knees, pressing her hands to the wound and causing her to cry out. "Baby, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're okay, you're gonna be okay. JESSE!" He is stood there like he doesn't have a clue, like she's his too, bleeding out on the floor. "Mama, it hurts."  
"I know, baby, I know. You'll be fine."  
She has to be. She has to be okay, she has to stop bleeding, she has to be happy and smiling and perfect-  
And coughing up blood. Little coughs and wheezes catch in the girls chest and more tears come with it, and Tulip feels a tightness in her own chest she feels won't dissipate for a long while.  
"Mama.. I'm scared," Tulip clutches Addison's tiny hip and pulls her closer, her head in her daughter's neck as she tries not to cry herself, tries to be strong. Addison needs her to be strong. "I know baby. But you have to be strong. You have to-" she chokes on her words, and pulls her girl tighter to her, and then she realises that she's no longer moving. "Addison? Baby?" She doesn't need to look to know. She doesn't need to but she does, lowering Addison back against the car and leaning her forehead against the girl's, taking in deep breaths to try and stop herself from panicking, from breaking into a million pieces. Jesse is still there when she looks around, but Carlos is gone, as are his men. All she's left with is the man that she loves and the body of her daughter. 


End file.
